Snips and Snails and Puppy Dogs Tails
by WhatWasOnceSilver
Summary: Daltonverse. In which Julian is oblivious, Logan is frustrated, and Derek has a llama. AU college!Jogan


**Title:** Snips and Snails and Puppy Dogs Tails

**Author:** Margaret/WhatWasOnceSilver/whatwasoncesilver

**Rating:** T

**Word Count:** 11,928

**Pairing:** Julian Larson and Logan Wright from CP Coulter's _Dalton_

**Summary:** Daltonverse. In which Julian is oblivious, Logan is frustrated, and Derek has a llama. AU college!Jogan

**Warnings:** Slash, alternative universe, heavy swearing, underage drinking (by one year XD), friends with benefits (does that count as a warning idk), also I threw two OCs in there but you can ignore them if you want

* * *

It doesn't take Julian long to fall in love with Logan Wright. It's kind of pathetic, actually.

They meet junior year, at a party. Julian is drunk, and he trips over someone's shoe, splashing his drink on the ground a bit. Logan's hands on him are the only things that keep him from falling.

He blinks and looks up, and the blond boy is smiling down at him. "Hey, steady there. Are you okay?" he asks, and Julian does fall, just a little bit. Logan's eyes are really green.

Julian nods and, after a second, realizes that he should probably straighten up. He does.

"Sorry," he apologizes, rubbing the back of his neck. "I usually hold my liquor pretty well, it's just tonight – yeah," he finishes lamely.

Logan quirks an eyebrow. "Rough day?"

Julian lets out a short laugh. "Rough week." Logan looks at him quizzically and Julian sighs. "Boy problems."

Logan smiles. "Been there, man." He gestures toward where Julian knows the door to be (it's kind of blocked by people grinding at the moment) and asks, "Do you want to get some air? It looks like you could use it."

Julian nods and lets Logan guide him toward the exit after he puts his red solo cup on a side table, hoping absently that some poor, wasted freshman doesn't try drinking it. "I'm Logan, by the way," the blond says, sidestepping a girl who tries to grope his ass.

"Julian," says the brunet, and steps outside.

They lean against the side of the building for a while, Julian with his head tipped back and his eyes closed as they talk about themselves. Logan's a junior too; he's majoring in music (performance, specifically) and he's captain of the fencing team.

(Julian is impressed. He ends up challenging Logan to a 'fight to the death,' which the other boy seems to find amusing and maybe even a little adorable, especially when Julian glares at him and pouts ('What, you don't think I could beat you with my stick of greatness?' On second thought, those probably weren't the best words he could have used). Nevertheless, Logan humors him and promises that the next time they see each other they'll have a fencing match. This placates Julian. A little bit.)

Julian confides that he's majoring in drama and that he's even been in some things – mostly commercials, but some small parts in sitcoms and rom-coms as well. Logan makes a little noise of consideration and then says that yeah, he thinks he remembers Julian from a chick flick he saw once. Julian smirks and teases him for watching a chick flick and Logan raises an eyebrow, smirks back, and says that he's not sexist. Julian immediately feels bad about himself.

Logan suggests that they take a walk around one of campus' many ponds and Julian agrees, stumbling a bit as they go downhill. Logan chuckles and steadies him.

"So," says the blond, hands in his pockets and keeping close as they stroll along the dirt path that surrounds the sizeable body of water. "Boy problems?"

Julian is too drunk to be even slightly uncomfortable that a stranger is asking about his personal life. He just groans, which makes Logan arch an eyebrow.

"My boyfriend _dumped_ me," he says savagely, kicking at a patch of grass that really doesn't deserve it and nearly falling over in the process. Logan steadies him, his hands really warm. Julian is too drunk for this shit.

"Why?" Logan asks. That may be curiosity in his voice.

Julian sighs. "He said I wasn't 'spending enough time with him,'" he says, voice mocking. "Which is bullshit. I totally did spend enough time with his sorry ass! I just – sorry, you don't want to hear about my relationship problems."

"No, I do."

Julian doesn't even care if that's inappropriate, considering that it's coming from some dude he barely knows. "I'm just…I'm really passionate about what I do. I really love acting, and if it came down to it I would choose it over any boyfriend or girlfriend, because it's important to me. Which is the way it should be, you know? I don't need someone else to make me complete or some shit like that."

Logan nods.

"But I made a point of spending time with him as much as possible, to get coffee or go bowling or to a movie or whatever. But he was just – needy. Whatever. His loss," he finishes, sounding bitter.

"His loss indeed," says Logan, and Julian doesn't really know what to do with that, but he feels like he might need to throw up at some point and he's not really sure if that's proper etiquette. To barf on the shoes of someone he's just met, that is.

"But yeah," he says. "That's my life story. Kind of. It's not really the whole thing. But you get it. Or maybe you don't. You know what I mean. I think."

Logan chuckles and looks at Julian like he's endearing, which is probably a good thing. Julian closes his eyes, rubs at his temples, and frowns.

"Where do you live?" Logan asks.

"Uh – Kenyon," says Julian.

Logan nods. "I'll walk you there."

"You really don't have to do that."

"I want to."

"Okee then," says Julian, and sways a bit.

They progress slowly, because Julian keeps on wandering aimlessly off the pathway by accident and Logan has to haul him back until he finally decides to just loop two fingers in one of Julian's belt loops so he can pull him back in any time he starts showing inclinations of leaning away.

Julian rambles on – about what, he doesn't really remember the next day. Something about coffee ("We should get some, sometime," Logan says, and Julian agrees) and the Avengers and Leonardo da Vinci, he thinks.

Logan swipes them into Julian's building because Julian's just leaning on his shoulder babbling about chromosomes and dicks.

Dicks who have chromosomes, that is.

That is to say, dicks who dump him who have chromosomes in them that cause them to be dicks and do things like dump hi –

Never mind.

Logan lugs Julian up to the third floor after the latter's given him sleepy instructions as to how to get to his room. Julian fumbles with his key and manages to smash it into the lock. He then stumbles over to his bed and flops down onto it dramatically, face smushed into the pillow.

Logan tugs the key out of the lock and shuts the door, flicking a lamp on in order to see and placing the key on the desk beside Julian's bed. He glances around. "You have a roommate?" he asks, gesturing to the bed on the other side of the room.

"Der'k," Julian mumbles. "'S out at the moment."

Logan pokes him. "Come on, roll over."

Julian whines but rolls onto his side obediently, resting his head on his arm. Logan tugs the trashcan over and positions it beside the bed. "Hey, you want to give me your number so we can get that coffee?"

Julian makes some kind of humming noise and fumbles at his pocket before grasping his phone and placing it on the desk clumsily. Logan picks it up to scroll down Julian's contact list for his number, then takes out his own phone to send him a text. He watches Julian's phone to make sure he gets the message, then pockets his own device and gives Julian an amused glance.

"I didn't really need to see your sexts."

"I will n't apologize fur my sexual condct," Julian slurs.

Logan smiles, and his eyes roam down the body stretched out on the bed. "I'll text you tomorrow, okay?"

Julian snuggles down into his bed a bit further. "M'kay," he says, and falls asleep before Logan shuts the door behind him.

…

And that is how they end up getting coffee, more frequently until it's every other day (and sometimes every day). Sometimes they study at the same time, and Logan helps Julian out with his history papers, because he seems to have a knack for it.

One time Logan suggests they go to a movie after they've refilled their cups three times. They do, and end up throwing popcorn at the screen in protest of sexism each time someone tells someone else to 'grow a pair' or 'get some balls' (which is depressingly often).

The manager eventually asks them to leave, and Logan crosses his arms over his chest and gives the man a ten-minute lecture on sexism that ends with "And so help me God, I _will _set your hedges on fire" before taking Julian's hand and pulling him out the door.

Someone starts clapping before they turn the film back on from where it was paused due to Logan not having any reservations about the volume of his voice when castigating people about how the patriarchy is dehumanizing and disgusting and shame on anyone who buys into it.

He also suggests that the manager do something that is anatomically improbable and ends up getting banned from that theater. Julian admires that he really doesn't give a shit, and Derek ends up guffawing when Julian and Logan tell him about it later.

Hanging out with Logan is an adventure. It's also how Julian ends up falling in love with him in such a distressingly short amount of time.

They're bowling when he realizes it. Well, technically they're eating pizza, because that's just sort of a requirement when you go bowling. Logan plunks the food down on their table and waves Julian off when the latter holds out some bills to pay for half of it.

They're talking about the hardships of being gay (well, technically Julian is bisexual, so – the hardships of liking boys) when Logan pauses and says, "You have tomato sauce on your chin."

Julian blinks and licks at the side of his mouth, saying, "Did I get it?" It comes out a little muffled because he's still poking at the edge of his lips.

Logan smiles and says, "Wrong side," reaches over the table, and wipes it away.

Julian blushes a little and mumbles, "Thanks." They talk about classes for a bit before standing up. Logan helps Julian with his jacket and they walk out the door.

Later, Julian sits in his room with his head in his hands, rocking back and forth from where he's sitting on the side of his bed and groaning to himself.

That was so embarrassingly _cliché_. He blushed like a – okay, not like a _girl_, but…well, like an embarrassed person. He got turned on because a guy wiped _tomato sauce_ off his chin. Who _does _that?

Most importantly, who realizes they're _in love_ with the person who removes said sauce at the same time the sauce-removing is taking place?

Julian Larson, that's who. He is so irrevocably fucked it's not funny.

He's muttering to himself like a Shakespearean character (though, granted, it's not quite up to par with Hamlet and his musings about the meaning of human existence) when someone knocks on his door. He glances up. "Come in."

The door opens and Jake pokes his head around it, grinning. "Hey!" he says, walking in and shutting the door behind him before plunking his bag down on the floor and himself on the bed. "So why do you look like someone stole your ramen?"

Julian groans melodramatically and flops onto his back. "The most terrible thing happened today, Jake," he moans.

Jake raises an eyebrow at him. "You gonna tell me what it was?"

Julian sits up and sighs, placing his elbow on his right knee and the side of his face in his hand so he can look at Jacob. "I realized I'm in love with Logan," he says.

Jacob makes a face and pats his back sympathetically. "I'm sorry, dude," he says. "I know how that goes."

"Yeah, except you could get your guy if you really wanted to," Julian grumbles.

"Hey, I'm working on it!" Jake protests. "He's out of my league, okay? I need to work up the confidence."

Julian rolls his eyes. "Mark is _not_ out of your league, Jacob. How many times do I have to tell you? He's bisexual, and you're smoking."

"Don't call me Jacob," Jake mumbles. "It's hard, okay?"

Julian covers his mouth with his hand and tries not to laugh (completely unsuccessfully). Jacob steals a look at him. "Oh my God, _Julian_, not like that," he says, swatting him with his pillow. "Get your mind out of the gutter."

"Um, I think it's _exactly_ like that," Julian protests, and steals the pillow so he can hit him with it. Jake reacts by tickling him, causing Julian to drop the pillow in surprise. He laughs, falling onto his side on the bed when he loses his balance. Jake settles down to face him and they smile at each other. After a moment Jake leans over Jules' body to the floor to get the pillow and Julian lifts his head so they have a soft surface to rest their heads on. Jacob brushes a piece of hair out of Julian's eyes.

"So," he says softly. "What makes you think Logan isn't interested in you?"

Julian sighs and closes his eyes. "He's a songwriter," he murmurs as Jacob strokes his hair. "A pretty amazing one. He showed me some things he's written recently, and…Jake, they're about another guy."

Jacob frowns. "How do you know they're not about you?"

"Logan talks about fencing with him – the other guy, I mean – and how he wants to take him to see all the places he really likes, all the places that really mean something to him and inspire him. We've only known each other for a month and a half, or something. It couldn't be me."

Jake looks sad, and strokes the side of Julian's face. "I'm sorry, Jules," he says.

Julian leans forward and kisses him. "Help me forget?" he asks quietly.

Jacob's hands go to his waist automatically. "Is that the best way to cope with this?" he asks, soft as well.

"Isn't it what you're doing too?"

"Touché," says Jake. He rolls Julian onto his back and starts undressing him.

…

**[From: Jake] Is it socially appropriate to tell the guy you're in love with that you think about sucking his dick more than is really healthy?**

Casey looks down at her phone and frowns, sighing when she reads the text. She rubs at her forehead as she texts him back.

**[To: Jake]** **Step away from the liquor, J.**

His answer shows up a few minutes later.

**[From: Jake] Dun wanna. This is hardcore stuff, Case.**

Casey groans. _Boys_.

**[To: Jake] Which is why you need to put it away.**

**[From: Jake] Caseeeeey. It's expensive! And I didn't even have that much.**

**[To: Jake] Put. It. Away.**

**[From: Jake] Fine. You're no fun.**

**[To: Jake] You don't text me for fun.**

**[From: Jake] Why am I friends with you.**

**[To: Jake] Because I keep it real and I'm not afraid to tell you when you're fucking up.**

**[From: Jake] Casey…I don't know what to do**

**[To: Jake] Tell him.**

**[From: Jake] I can't. I can't work up the courage.**

**[To: Jake] Fine, Jacob, don't tell him. Wallow in your misery forever.**

**[From: Jake] I hate you.**

**[To: Jake] You hate yourself.**

**[From: Jake] It's too early for this shit.**

**[To: Jake] It's not Shakespeare, J. Also, why are you drinking at nine on a Sunday morning?**

**[From: Jake] Because my life is in tatters and there's laundry all over the floor.**

**[To: Jake] Jacob. Pour the booze out the window, make your bed, clean your room, and do your homework.**

**[From: Jake] How did you know I didn't make my bed?**

**[To: Jake] Please. I know you.**

**[From: Jake] I hate my life.**

**[To: Jake] And I hate calculus, but I've been sitting here for two hours trying to figure out what x equals.**

**[From: Jake] Why are you doing calculus at 9am**

**[To: Jake] Why are you falling into a pit of despair about a guy in your econ class at 9am**

**[From: Jake] …fine.**

**[From: Jake] I'm going to go throw myself off a cliff now**

**[To: Jake] Not anywhere near civilization. News reporters would find you and plaster pictures of your corpse all over the six o'clock news. Children would be traumatized.**

**[From: Jake] I hate you.**

…

"What are you working on?"

Julian startles and relaxes when he sees Logan standing next to his table in the library, smiling and holding what looks like a latté.

"History. I've been stuck on this damn conclusion for hours."

Logan sits down across from him and slides the latté over. "Here," he says. "Looked like you could use some caffeine."

Julian blinks down at the drink before a smile spreads across his face slowly. "Thanks," he says softly, pulling the coffee close and fingering it, bringing it up to his face to bask in the warmth and the smell. He takes a sip and makes a little sound of satisfaction.

Logan shifts in his seat. "So," he says. "You want some help?"

Julian glances down at his computer and starts scratching at the back of his hand absently. "Um," he says. "Yeah, I guess. I…" He trails off, not really sure what exactly he should ask Logan to help him with.

Logan moves around the table and pulls up a chair to sit next to him. "Julian," he says, casting a pointed look down at his hands.

Julian blinks. "Oh," he says, "uh. Sorry. Nervous habit."

Logan frowns. "You should get some lotion for that," he says, and Julian lets out a little laugh.

"Yeah, I know. I just…forget. You know? All these papers and stuff."

Logan sighs. "Yeah. I know."

There's some silence, and then Julian rests his hands on the keyboard again. "So! Feel like hammering out some criticisms of Charlemagne?"

"Always," Logan says, and smiles warmly.

The next day, the blond shows up at the same table with a bottle of Cetaphil and tells Julian that he really should spend more time out of the library. Julian just shrugs, smiles, and offers to pay him back for the lotion and the coffee. Logan waves him off and gives him a smile so heartbreakingly beautiful it twists his gut.

Julian tells him he needs to do laundry, goes back to his room, and calls Jake.

…

"No. Derek. Just – no."

"You're living a life of denial."

"Refusing to believe my best friend has a llama is not living in denial."

Logan casts him a look as Julian continues to stare at Derek with an unamused expression.

"I _do_ have a llama!" Derek protests, pulling his legs up onto his bed. "She lives at home, on our farm. Her name is Betsy."

Julian puts his forehead in his palm and mutters, "You are not my friend. I don't know you" as Logan draws one foot up onto the bed, puts his arms around his leg, and glances at the brunet.

Derek rolls his eyes. "Whatever, don't believe me. I'm going to soccer practice now. Later, losers." He rubs Julian's hair, causing the brunet to fall back onto his bed with a groan, and fist-bumps Logan before leaving.

Julian stares upward. "My life does not make sense," he informs the ceiling in a monotone.

Logan falls onto his back too. "Okay," he says after a few moments, "this is not comfortable. At all."

Julian rolls his eyes with a little smile and sits up, scooting back to rest against the wall with his knees drawn up. Logan does the same and Julian rests his head on his knee, smiling at his friend.

"So," he says. "How's life been treating you?"

Logan sighs. "S'okay," he says. "Frustrating at times."

"Don't I know it. I think this latest essay Morgan assigned is going to kill me. Like, actually kill me dead."

Logan smiles at him fondly. "Can I help?"

"Nah," says Julian. "You do enough for me and my academic life. Give yourself a break."

"I really don't mind," says Logan, and Julian lifts his head to look at sparkling green. Logan really does have beautiful eyes.

"No," he says softly, "it's okay. You really shouldn't spend so much time on me."

"What if I want to spend time with you?" Logan asks. It seems like he's leaning in a little bit, but that might just be Julian's imagination. Still, he can't help but breathe in sharply and hope it's not audible. Logan's eyes fall to his lips.

Julian's phone pings with a text. He blinks and reaches for it automatically.

**[From: Jacob] Come over? Mark just got a girlfriend.**

Julian feels an empathetic pang in his chest and sighs, pocketing the phone. "I'm sorry, Lo, Jacob really needs me. I'll see you tomorrow, okay?"

Logan looks at him for a second before clearing his throat. "Yeah," he says quietly. "Okay."

Julian goes over to Jake's room and tries to comfort him the best way he knows how.

…

**[To: Casey] My life sucks.**

** [From: Casey] Hello, Jacob.**

** [To: Casey] ****III had a ****dreeam**** my ****life would beeeeee sooo different**** from this ****heell III'M LIIIVIIIIIIING**

** [From: Casey] I had a dream a man in a bunny suit chased you around campus and sent you to Guatemala for Thai food.**

** [To: Casey] …that doesn't make any sense.**

** [From: Casey] Really now.**

** [To: Casey] I need your help okay**

** [From: Casey] Yes, you should tell Mark you love him and then suck his dick.**

** [To: Casey] No. I need your advice on how I should get over him.**

** [From: Casey] Don't get over him. Tell him. And then suck his dick. Or let him suck your dick. Either one.**

** [To: Casey] He doesn't *like* me.**

** [From: Casey] Cry me a river. You don't know until you ask him.**

** [To: Casey] What, and humiliate myself in the process? Sure, that sounds nice and dandy, Case.**

** [From: Casey]. 1: The word "dandy" should not even be in your vocabulary. 2: Do you or do you not want to suck his dick?**

** [To: Casey] WHAT IS WITH YOU AND DICK-SUCKING**

** [From: Casey] I'll take that as a yes. Tell him.**

** [To: Casey] I can't. You don't understand, Case. I can't.**

** [From: Casey] You're hurting yourself by holding back more than you'd be hurt if he rejected you.**

** [To: Casey] No, I can't. I have to go now, Casey. I'll talk to you later.**

** [From: Casey] Jake, stop. Stop running away already.**

** [From: Casey] Jacob.**

**[From: Casey] Jacob.**

**[From: Casey] Jacob.**

**[From: Casey] JACOB MOREAU, GET YOUR FUCKING ASS BACK HERE RIGHT THE FUCK NOW.**

**[From: Casey] I hate boys.**

…

As the days progress into the autumn season, Julian finds that his life slips into a kind of routine. Classes, meals, homework, spend time with Derek, have coffee with Logan, meet up with Jake, etc. So when Logan comes storming down the hallway demanding, "Did you _fuck_ somebody?" –

Well.

He's really, really not expecting it.

He was exiting his room and is now standing there blinking with one hand on the door handle behind him. "I – what?" he asks intelligently.

Logan crosses his arms over his chest. "Bailey said that you and Jacob hooked up last night." He looks _livid_.

Julian is confused. "Bailey told you that?" It's true, but it's weird that _Bailey_, of all people, would have been the one to tell him.

"He was drunk. Answer the question."

Julian pulls the door shut behind him and furrows his brow. "Is there a reason you're suddenly interested in my sex life?"

Logan looks – well, like someone slapped him. "You have a sex _life_?" he asks.

Julian frowns. "I don't know if I should be offended by the insinuation that I don't."

Logan gives him an indecipherable look and then turns on his heel and walks away without a word.

Julian blinks. "Logan?" He starts forward after the blond and repeats his name, but when Logan doesn't respond he stops and shrugs to himself. Logan's acting weird, but maybe he just wants to be alone right now. Julian will text him about it later. Before he can turn around, though, the blond changes directions and walks right back up to him, naked hurt in his eyes.

"How can you be so _cavalier_ about this?" he hisses.

Julian is so beyond confused.

"Um, well, we're kind of friends with benefits? So it's not like there's anything to be really serious about."

Logan just stares at him and Julian shifts uncomfortably.

"Or did you mean cavalier talking about it with you? Because you're kind of the one who asked about it. But we can stop talking, if you want. About sex, I mean. There's a history essay I could really use your help on."

Logan just stares at him for a few seconds before making a strange choking sound and partially covering his face with his hand. "Julian," he says from this strange position, "did it never even – _occur_ to you that going around behind my back _fucking_ someone might hurt me?"

Julian is five kinds of taken aback and six kinds of befuddled. He's running out of adjectives, really.

"Why would that hurt you?" he asks, and Logan just stares at him. When it becomes obvious he's not going to say anything more Julian continues with "And it wasn't behind your back?" like it's a question, like he's trying to understand. "I had this whole thing going on with Jake before I even met you. I mean, not while I was with Sam, but before that, and after I got dumped. You never asked about it."

"I never thought I had to," Logan whispers, still staring at him.

Julian feels little tendrils of worry sprouting through his fingertips. "Lo – " he starts, and takes a step forward. Logan just stares at him. "Why do you care?" he asks finally. "If you're scared about me getting hurt – Logan, I'm an adult. I can take care of myself. And we're really good friends, Jake and I – we care about each other. No one's going to get their heart broken."

Logan just stares at him for a few seconds before saying, in a soft voice, "You really have no idea, do you?"

Julian rubs at one temple. He's getting a headache.

"No idea about what? Logan, please talk to me. Are you okay?"

Logan closes his eyes, opens his mouth, and closes it.

"Logan, you're scaring me. What's going on?"

Logan opens his eyes and blinks. After a few moments of blank staring he says, "No, it's nothing. I'm sorry I yelled at you. I just…misjudged something."

Julian furrows his brow worriedly and steps forward to touch him, but Logan cringes away.

"Logan…can I help? Please, tell me if I can do something. You seem really upset."

Logan closes his eyes again and shakes his head. "I'm not upset," he says, and his voice is soft. "I just – misinterpreted something. It surprised me. I'll be fine."

"I – " Julian doesn't know what he wants to say, so he lets his mouth close as he tries desperately to figure out what the _fuck_ is going on here.

Logan opens his eyes. "I have psych homework to do," he says softly. "I'll catch you later, okay?"

"Wait!"

Logan hasn't actually started to turn away yet, so he just raises an eyebrow as Julian feels his face flush. "Um," the brunet says intelligently. "Are you sure you're okay?"

"I will be," Logan says quietly, and there's really not much more Julian can do.

(Even if there's some part of him that knows Logan is lying.)

…

Logan doesn't catch him later. He doesn't catch him in the library or cafeteria or the hallways, isn't waiting for Julian to get out of his Monday-morning history class, doesn't return any of his texts.

It's just by chance that Julian finds him in the library, close to the special collections section where the brunet was browsing to find some dates for a paper. He bites his lip and glances around. The basement seems to be pretty empty, so he clutches his books to his chest and makes his way over to Logan cautiously.

"Hi," he says softly.

Logan glances up as if he hadn't noticed him and gives a short nod before looking back down at his laptop and scribbling something onto a sheet that's got a list of vocab words on it.

Julian bites his lip again and sits down across from Logan. "Logan…did I do something wrong?" he asks.

Logan glances up quickly, as if by reflex, and then goes back to his work immediately. "No," he says.

Julian's forehead furrows in worry. "Really? Because it seems like you've been avoiding me."

"I haven't," Logan says shortly. "I've just got a lot of work."

Julian scans his face analytically, trying to find emotion where there doesn't seem to be any. "Do you want to study together?"

"No," says Logan. "I really need to be alone to concentrate on this. It's a big part of my grade."

Julian looks down at his hand, which he realizes he's been scratching, and laces his fingers together, looking down at where they lie folded in his lap. "Really, did I do something? Because…you're really important to me, and if I did something to jeopardize our friendship I really want to fix it."

"We're _fine_, Julian," Logan snaps.

"Okay," Julian answers, his voice small. He reaches up to grab his books from where he'd put them on the table, and there's a little silence when he realizes that his left hand is bleeding. "I – okay." He stands quickly and loiters awkwardly. "Call me, okay?" Logan just nods stiffly, eyes not straying from the computer screen. Julian stalls for a second more before turning and walking down the hallway swiftly, clutching the books to his chest.

The scratches on his hand smear a little bit of blood onto the edges of his book on Charlemagne as he walks away.

…

Casey is sitting at the kitchen counter twirling a pen around, its head stuck between her teeth, when Julian comes barging in.

"Everything sucks, and not in a good way," he announces, and slams the door behind him.

"Please come in, would you like red wine or white today?" Casey asks, flipping a page in her textbook.

Julian throws himself down onto the couch and groans dramatically. "Fuck fuck and fuck my life," he says. "Do you have any beer?"

"No," says Casey. Julian gets up to look in the fridge and is pulling out a beer when Jake comes in and shuts the door behind him.

"Hey, dude," Julian greets him. He hands Jake a beer and cracks his own open. Jake sighs and goes to plunk himself down in the chair near the TV.

"Our lives suck," he informs Casey, and takes a swig of beer.

"I feel your pain in my very bones."

"Have some _sympathy_," Jacob whines. "The boy I'm desperately in love with accidentally bumped into me today and I actually went back to my room and _cried_ just because he looked at me and apologized."

"Your life is a living vortex of agony," Casey says blandly.

"I hate you," says Jake.

"Then stop drinking my beer and get out of my apartment."

Jake scowls. Julian takes a swig of alcohol and glances at her. "Hey Case, when is Mika getting back?"

"I dunno, probably around three. Why?"

"Just wondering how long we'll have access to free alcohol before she kicks us out to watch _Doctor Who_."

"It's not free. You bastards are paying me back."

"Whatever you say," Julian and Jake say in synch.

"Julian," says Casey. "Don't you have that history paper to write?"

"Yeah." He sighs. "I guess I should get going…." He stands up and straightens out his shirt. "Mind if I keep this?" he asks as he passes Casey, holding out his beer a little. Before she can respond he says, "Great," takes a swig, and pauses at the door. "See you later, Jakie!" he calls, blowing a kiss. Jacob waves from where he's reading the TV guide.

Casey sighs. There's silence, and then she looks at Jacob.

"So what's on your plate at the moment, J?"

Jacob sighs and turns the chair to face her. "Not much. Econ homework…football practice…trying pathetically not to fall further in love…." He shifts. "I'm successful at some of it."

Casey opens her mouth, but before she can say anything there's a couple of knocks on the door. "Come in," she says after a few moments.

The door opens and…Mark stands there.

Grinning.

With flowers.

"Hey, Casey!" he greets. "Is Mika in?"

"Uh – no," says Casey. "I think she'll be back at three?"

"S'okay," says Mark. "I just wanted to give her these before class," he continues, gesturing to the flowers. "I wanted to get her some for our date yesterday, but I forgot. Would you mind putting them in some water for me?"

"Sure," says Casey softly, and accepts them.

"Thanks," Mark says warmly. "I'll see you around, okay?" Casey nods, and as Mark turns he catches sight of Jake. "Oh, hey Jacob!" he says. Jake can only stare dumbly before Mark grins and turns, calling, "Bye!" over his shoulder before shutting the door behind him.

Casey puts the flowers down on the counter carefully and turns to look at Jake, who apparently did not know it was Mika Mark was dating.

"Jacob…" she says softly.

"I have to go," he says numbly, standing up and striding toward the door.

"Jake – !" she tries, but Jacob is already gone. She can hear his footsteps going opposite the direction Mark left in.

…

For once in the past few weeks, Julian is not hammered.

He's at a party where the music is too loud and the drinks are too weak and the sweat is too strong. He brought Jake with him, but he doesn't know where he is. He should probably go and check to make sure he's not too drunk, but Mika is pushing him down onto a table and giggling, calling for shots.

Julian rolls his eyes but lets Mika take his shirt off and wiggles around to get more comfortable. Someone dumps way too much salt on his stomach. There's giggling all around him and liquor being poured into glasses sloppily. Someone braces themself with a hand on his side before licking at his stomach. Julian doesn't see who it is, because he's trying to dodge the lime wedge someone is trying to shove between his teeth. He really doesn't like limes.

He's pretty sure Mika goes more than once, and after a while his stomach starts feeling kind of gross with the traces of people's tongues. He's also getting really bored. So once the person who's doing a shot off of him gets their tongue out of the way he pushes himself up into a sitting position, and notices Mark out of the corner of his eye, wiping at his mouth with the back of his hand and grinning as he leans against Mika, who is giggling.

Julian rolls his eyes at the groans of disappointment that are directed toward him, pulls on his shirt, and hops to the ground in hopes of finding a bathroom to get a washcloth for his stomach. Then he catches sight of Jake across the room. Jake is just watching the whole body-shot scene without blinking, and something clicks in Julian's mind. _Oh, shit._

He hurries over, slipping his way through the grinding dancers and out of the grasp of a girl who looks like she wants to drape herself all over him like an octopus. Thankfully, Jake is still standing there with his drink when Julian makes it over. Julian grips his friend's biceps.

"Jake – Jake, I didn't know it was Mark. I didn't know he was doing it. I mean, taking a shot off of me. I wouldn't have let him if I'd known."

Jacob just closes his eyes and leans against Julian's shoulder. "I know," he says softly. "It's okay. He can take shots off of anyone he wants. I mean, it doesn't really matter, does it?"

Julian can feel his face contort in pain. "Don't say that," he says softly.

Jake pulls back and gives him a heartbreaking smile. "It's true, though, isn't it?"

Before Julian can answer, Jake slips out of his grasp and heads toward the door. "I need some air," he murmurs. "Call me tomorrow, okay?" Julian nods, not knowing what else to say, and Jake disappears out the door, drink still in hand.

And because his life isn't hellish enough, the first thing Julian sees when he looks away from the door is Logan, perched on the edge of the couch and staring at him. As Julian meets his eyes the blond stands, bottle in hand, and shoves his way through the dancers to get out the door.

Julian blinks before something stirs inside him, and then he's making his way after him.

When he gets outside, he sees Logan walking at an impressive rate, probably back to his apartment, and jogs a bit to catch up. "Logan!" he calls out. "Wait up!"

Logan doesn't wait up. "It would be really nice if you went away right now, Julian," he says.

Julian frowns. "Why are you – hey, slow down, would you?"

"No," says Logan. "Go away."

"Logan, why are you – "

"Please. Just leave."

"Logan, what's _wrong_?"

"What's _wrong_? Fucking _hell_, Julian, how could you not notice? After all this time?" He's spreading his arms wide, right hand clasping a half-empty bottle. Julian hurries after him, frowning.

"What are you talking about? We get coffee almost every day, Logan." _Or we used to._

"That's not what I'm talking about."

"Then tell me what you _are_ talking about."

Logan twirls around, and his eyes are really intense. "I can't. Fucking hell, Jules, I wish I could. But I can't."

"Why _not_?" Julian asks, gaze flickering to the bottle briefly before resting on Logan's eyes again. Logan puts a hand to the side of his own face as though pained, and closes his eyes.

"I just – _how_, Julian? Why can't you see me?"

Julian makes a little growl of frustration and Logan winces. "Use your fucking _words_, Logan," he says, frustration rising. "I'm not a mind reader."

"_Obviously_." He turns around and starts walking again.

Julian jogs after him and settles at his side, matching his pace. "What's that supposed to mean?" he asks heatedly, because why the fuck is Logan trying to make this – whatever "this" is – sound like it's _his_ fault? Especially when Logan won't even tell him what he's done. Especially when Logan keeps denying that he even _did_ anything, when it's very clear that's not true.

"What did I do, Logan? What did I do to fuck up our friendship so bad?"

Logan grits his teeth. "You were there."

"_Stop_ it!" Julian yells, and shoves his way in front of Logan so the blond is forced to stop, glowering at him. "Stop treating me like some fucking _kid_ who can't handle your _bull_shit."

Logan sort of deflates. His hand slackens on the bottle, his shoulders relax, his stance wearies. His gaze floats to the ground.

"Who were you talking to?" he asks softly. "Right before you let all those guys take shots off of you."

Julian's head actually goes white from the sudden change in topic. "I – a guy from my acting class," he replies, because Logan's just staring at the ground like it's a really important question.

"What were you talking about?" he asks, still so quiet.

Julian's forehead furrows. "He asked me out."

Logan is quiet for a second. "Did you say yes?"

Julian sighs. It feels like he's getting heartburn. "I said I'd think about it. Logan, this can't actually be what's bothering you. I'd never go on a date instead of hanging out with you. You know that."

Logan's eyelashes flutter and he lets out a small sigh. "Yeah," he says. "I think I'm just…." He shuffles a bit and looks past Julian, to the academic quad. "I think I'm going to go home now," he says. "Big music theory test to study for." He starts walking, much slower than before.

Julian walks too and reaches out tentatively. Logan shifts away.

"Do you want me to – go with you and make sure you don't shift onto your back, or something?"

"No," says Logan. "I'll be fine."

"I – "

"I can take care of myself, Jules. It's okay."

Julian stops walking. "I – okay," he says quietly. "I'll just – see you later, then?"

Logan just waves without turning around.

It's okay. Logan doesn't want to be friends anymore. He gets it. It's okay.

(Except it's really, really not.)

…

"Hey – you okay, man?"

Jake looks up, startled, to see Mark looking down at him with concern, hands in his pockets.

Jacob really hates his life.

"Oh – yeah," he says dumbly. "Yeah, I just – too much booze, you know?"

"Yeah," Mark chuckles, and slides down the wall to sit next to him. "So…we never really talk," he says, and Jake chokes. Mark looks concerned again, but Jacob just waves him off. "I see you in the library sometimes – and in econ, of course – but you're always so absorbed in your work. I don't want to disturb you."

"I – yeah," says Jake. "I sort of…get into the things I'm passionate about."

_That was not a good choice of words oh my God._

Mark's eyes crinkle at the edges when he smiles, and Jake just wants to cry. "I can tell," he says. "I really admire people who are so dedicated to what they do."

Jacob coughs and looks down at his hands. "You play soccer, don't you?" he asks.

Mark nods. "Yeah. I wanted to play football, but it didn't really fit into my schedule. I think I'm going to try out next year, though. You're on the team, right? Do you think I should go for it?"

And because Jacob is a masochist, he chokes out, "Yeah. Yeah, I think you should."

Mark smiles. "You're a nice guy, Jake," he says, and the way he slips into the nickname makes Jacob feel like he's getting punched in the gut. "It'd be fun to have you as a friend on the team."

Jake blinks away the ridiculous sting of tears. "Yeah, that would be fun," he says. "I'm sure the guys would like you."

Mark shifts. "Really? You think so?"

"Course," says Jake. "Why wouldn't they?"

Mark shrugs. "People aren't always nice to me."

Jake feels the edge of his lips quirk up. "I bet they're one out of a hundred."

Mark laughs, and it's a beautiful sound. "Well, some people just…some people can be pretty cruel. But you – you're okay." It sounds almost admiring.

Something deflates in Jake's chest. "That's because 'some people' don't want to be more than just friends with you," he says, and pulls himself up. He doesn't feel eyes on his back when he walks away.

The next day, his phone pings and he stares down at Mark's name blankly before he remembers that his econ group exchanged numbers the last time they met for easier communication. He pulls up the text.

**[From: Mark] Hey, good talk yesterday! The group's meeting at 5, right? I'm excited. I think we're really making headway. :)**

Jake wants to cry.

…

**[From: Julian] You have no idea how much I wish I was hungover right now.**

Casey buries her face in her hands and resigns herself to the fact that she's never going to pass calculus.

**[To: Julian] You know, it would be really nice if we had a conversation that didn't start with booze. "Help, the pig is drunk and I'm pretty sure we set the couch on fire" was not a nice way to start a Sunday morning.**

** [From: Julian] That was one time. And it was squat compared to this.**

** [To: Julian] You can't hear me, but my sigh of exasperation is loud and forceful. What happened.**

**[From: Julian] Logan happened. And if I had a hangover maybe I wouldn't remember every single damn detail.**

Casey bangs her head against the counter a few times.

** [To: Julian] Come over. I'll make you a fajita and you can complain into your coffee about how your life is going nowhere.**

** [From: Julian] I'll be there in five.**

** [To: Julian] You're outside my building right now, aren't you.**

** [From: Julian] And you say you can't figure me out.**

…

When she opens the door, Julian's eyes are shot full of red and rimmed with dark circles. She's immediately taken aback.

"Oh my God," she says quietly as he walks in. "Your shirt and pants don't even match. What happened?"

Julian sinks down at the counter and buries his face in his hands. "Crying halfway through the night doesn't suit me," he mumbles.

Casey sits opposite him, concerned. "Because of Logan?"

"Because of Logan," he confirms.

"What did he do?"

Julian takes his face out of his hands and stares down at the counter. "He – " He swipes at his eyes and tries again. "I think he was a little drunk, and he was yelling at me and…I did something wrong, Case, but he won't tell me what it was." He starts scratching at his hand absently.

Casey frowns. "What did he say?"

Julian sighs. "He was talking about – how I don't spend enough time with him, or something," he says. "Which is ridiculous, because he's the one who's been pushing me away. For _weeks_." He's starting to bleed and Casey takes his hands into her own so he can't hurt himself anymore.

"What else?" she asks gently.

"He – he kept saying I couldn't _see_ him, or something, even after 'all this time,' and he asked what I was talking about with this one guy at the party we were at, and I said he was asking me out but that Logan shouldn't worry because I'd always make time for him, and then he left and wouldn't let me go with him to make sure he was okay, and I just don't know, Case. I'm really confused."

Casey stares at him blankly for a few moments. Then she yells, "Oh my God, _Julian!_" and swats him upside the head.

"Ow! What the fuck was that for?" He yanks his hands away. He can feel tears welling up again, and not from the physical pain.

Casey is staring at him incredulously. "Holy shit, here I was thinking you were just being an asshole this entire time, but you actually – you actually can't see it, can you? Oh my _God_, you're so fucking oblivious you never even _noticed_!"

"What are you _talking_ about?" Julian hisses, angry tears brimming up even more. "Why the _fuck_ won't anyone tell me what's going on around here? I'm so fucking in love with him and he won't even tell me why he's treating me like a _parasite_!"

Casey stares at him. "You're – you're in love with him?"

"Yes!" Julian practically yells, and she winces. "Almost since I _met_ him! Why do you think I've been fucking Jacob so much? It _hurts_, Casey. I need to be distracted from the hurt but it never fucking works and I don't know why he _hates_ me so much!"

Casey stares at him. "He doesn't hate you," she says.

Julian frowns and swipes at his eyes hastily. "What do you mean?"

"He doesn't hate you," Casey repeats. "He likes you."

Julian scratches at his hand. "He likes me?"

"Yes. A _lot_."

"I – a lot?"

"Oh my Go – _Julian_. The boy is in love with you."

Julian swears his heart stops beating. "That's – " He swallows. "That's not possible. Not – not _Logan_."

"Well why the fuck not? Don't you see the way he looks at you? I do. I have, for weeks. It's like – shit, Jules, it's like you're the fucking _sun_ to him, and the fucking moon and the fucking – _everything_ in-between!"

Julian shakes his head rapidly. "I – no, I can't just…." He's scratching at his skin frantically and Casey grabs his hands and leans over the counter to look as deeply into his eyes as she can.

"Julian," she says firmly. "You have to tell him. This changes everything. You _have _to tell him."

Julian looks at her.

…

Logan is stepping out of his apartment when Julian makes it to the end of the sixth-floor hallway, and when he looks up to see Julian walking toward him, his eyes are tired and the skin under them is dark. He pulls the door shut behind him and glances to the right, longing for escape. When he looks back, Julian is close.

Julian looks at his shoes. "Can I talk to you?" he asks softly.

Logan sighs and leans back against his door. His energy has suddenly been zapped.

"I'd really rather not," he answers.

Julian swallows. "But will you?"

Logan sighs, closes his eyes, and rubs at his temple. "Fine," he mutters, and goes to open the door again. Julian trails in, closes the door carefully, and proceeds to look at the furniture helplessly.

"You can sit wherever you want, Jules," Logan says, and sits on the middle of the couch. Julian sits in an armchair opposite him, a coffee table separating them.

"So," the brunet says quietly. He's sitting on the very edge of the chair, body tense, legs pressed together with his hands on his knees. He can't seem to look away from the table. "I think I figured out why you're mad at me."

Logan sighs. "I'm not mad at you."

Julian's mouth presses into a small line. "Logan – "

"I'm not. I – " He sighs and runs a hand through his hair. "I'm not angry. I'm sorry I keep yelling at you, I just – you were right, before. I'm upset. And…hurt. But I'm not mad. You didn't do anything wrong."

Julian's fingers curl together tightly. "I, um. I think I finally realized what you were going on about. When you said I didn't…see you. I mean, I didn't really figure it out. Casey told me. But I…can you just…tell me what you thought was going on? When you yelled at me? And – why you got so upset?"

Logan looks away from him, his mouth pressed into a thin line. "Why are you making me do this?"

"Just – please. I want everything to be clear."

Logan runs a hand through his hair again. Julian thinks that's what it must look like when he wakes up in the morning, sleep-tousled and golden and perfect.

"Can't you just leave it alone?"

Julian's leg bounces erratically. "Please. You're my best friend."

"I know," Logan grits out. "That's what I got wrong."

Julian finally gets up the courage to raise his eyes to Logan's face, but the blond isn't looking at him – he's just sort of staring off into the room looking frustrated.

"What do you mean?" Julian asks softly.

"I – look, I knew we were best friends," Logan says. Julian starts scratching at his hand. "But I – I didn't think – shit, Jules, I thought you _knew_, but you were just so oblivious the entire time."

"Please," says Julian, staring at the coffee table. "Please just tell me."

Logan stares at the table too. "I liked you, Jules. I – I got you coffee and – and stuff for your hands. I asked you out to movies and paid for the tickets and – and for bowling, and the pizza. I wrote you songs and – and I wiped _tomato _sauce off your chin. How could you not see through that?"

Julian swallows, still unable to look at him. "I didn't know that was what you were doing," he says, fingers interlacing tightly so he can't make his hand bleed anymore.

"Obviously," says Logan.

"I was just – why didn't you make it more apparent?"

"You had just broken up with Sam, Jules," Logan says softly. "I didn't want to just swoop in and be your rebound guy, or – a one-night stand. Besides, that wouldn't have been fair to you."

Julian looks at his hands.

"I just…I thought it was understood," Logan continues. "And I would have just – I would have kissed you at some point, but then I heard you hooked up with Jacob, and…that's why I was so hurt. I thought you knew I wanted to date you. That we _were_ dating, in some sense. And then…you really had no idea, did you? So I backed off."

"Why?" asks Julian. "Why didn't you just tell me?"

Logan glares at the coffee table. "You were fucking Jake, Julian."

Julian is quiet. Logan sighs and balances his elbows on his knees so he can run his hands through his hair and grit his teeth in frustration.

"Why are you doing this to me, Jules?" he asks. "I'm trying so hard to get over you and…every time I convince myself it doesn't really matter anyway, you come back all anxious and concerned and miserable because of me."

"I – what did you mean when you said you liked me?"

"How is that unclear in any way?"

"I mean – how much?"

"Back then? It was a crush."

"And now?" Julian whispers, brown eyes quivering in Logan's direction.

Logan closes his eyes. "Why does it matter?"

"Because, I – Logan, I love you."

Logan doesn't jump for joy. He doesn't break out in ecstatic song. He doesn't even look at him.

"I'm sorry," he says. "But I can't do this with you."

…

**[From: Casey] Hey. You okay? We haven't talked in a while.**

Jake looks down at his phone and debates not answering. Finally, he sighs.

**[To: Casey] Not really, no. But you don't have to do this, Case. You spend too much time on boys who don't do anything but whine at you**

** [From: Casey] Hey, come on. It's not like that's not my purpose in life, anyway. Besides, what are friends for?**

Despite himself, Jacob smiles.

**[To: Casey] I thought friends took other friends out to get drunk, but apparently that's not what you do**

** [From: Casey] Well I do apologize for encouraging you to cope with your grief the healthy way.**

Jacob smiles.

**[To: Casey] I really do love you, you know.**

** [From: Casey] I know. I love you too, J.**

"Jake?"

Jake looks up, startled, to see Mark standing at the entrance-way, smiling tentatively. "Hey," he says. "I just passed your roommate – Robert, right? – in the hallway. He told me your room number and said you were in here."

"Oh," says Jake blankly. "Is there something about the econ project you wanted to talk about?"

"Um – no, I…it's something else. May I come in?"

"Sure," says Jake. "You can close the door."

Mark does so and sits on Robert's bed, a few feet across the room. His book bag slides off his arm and onto the comforter. "So," he says. "Are you – feeling better? I mean, better than yesterday? You looked like you might have a hangover today."

Jake shakes his head. "I don't really get hangovers. I feel fine." He doesn't really, but that's beside the point.

"Oh. Well, I wanted to ask you about – about what we talked about. At the party, I mean."

Jake frowns. "What did we talk about? I'm sorry, I don't really remember."

Mark bites his lip. "Um – are you – are you an emotional drunk?"

Jake blinks. "Uh – not really?"

Mark laughs a little. "Sorry, I know that must seem like a really random question to ask. I just – I'm trying to figure out if what you said was really true or if you were just…in a depressed mood and saying random things."

Jake quirks an eyebrow. "What did I say?"

Mark bites his lip and looks away. "I – I'm pretty sure you said you liked me. You know. As more than a friend."

Jake looks at him blankly before covering his face with his hands. "Oh my God," he says. It comes out mumbled. "I really, _really_ do not remember saying that."

Mark looks at him – his hands, specifically – still biting his lip. "Is it true?"

Jake takes one hand away and leans his elbow against his knee, covering half his face, his eyes closed. "Depends on how literally you take the word 'like,'" he mumbles.

"So…you didn't mean it?"

"I – listen, can we talk about this after the econ project is done?"

Mark's eyes sweep over his face. "I'd really rather you tell me now."

Jake covers his face completely. "Promise not to laugh at me?" he mumbles through his fingers.

"I would never laugh at you," Mark says softly.

"I – I sort of – I've sort of been in love with you since the day I saw you volunteering at that animal shelter."

"Jake," Mark breathes. "That was a year ago."

"I know," Jacob mumbles.

There's a slight pause, and then Mark says, "I'm not in love with you" very softly.

Jake grips at the ends of the hairs spilling across his forehead. "Yes, thank you for that," he says, sounding slightly strangled.

"No, I – shit, that came out wrong," Mark says, running a hand through his hair. "I mean, it didn't, but – I just wanted to be honest."

"Okay," Jake says into his hands. "Thanks. So I guess I'll see you at the meeting later."

"No, I – I want to talk about it," Mark says.

Jake tugs at his hair. "What is there to talk about? Don't you have a girlfriend?"

Mark turns to look out the window. "No. She cheated on me."

"Oh," says Jake. He's still got his face buried in his hands.

Mark bites his lip. "I – I kind of want to ask you to do something completely unfair," he says.

"Really. What's that?" Jacob asks in a monotone, looking like he just wants Mark to go away.

"I…I want you to…wait."

"For the twenty-first of December? So we'll all die and I won't have to deal with this? Yeah, that sounds good. I can do that."

"No," says Mark softly. "For me."

"Why, are you going somewhere?" Jake asks.

"No," says Mark. "I just don't want to get involved with someone right after I've broken up with Mika. It doesn't seem healthy."

"Okay," says Jake.

"Can you – can you look at me?"

"I'd really rather not."

Mark sighs. "Jacob, I – what's going on with you and that Larson kid?"

Jacob finally looks up. "Julian? We're friends."

Mark quirks an eyebrow. "Friends."

"With, you know. Benefits."

Mark's hands twist in his lap. "Oh," he says.

Jake looks to the side, uncomfortable. "I mean, we didn't do our thing when he had a boyfriend. It's just when we're not…involved with anyone else."

"Okay," says Mark. "Jacob, I'd really like to take you out sometime."

Jake looks at him and blinks. "Take me out like – "

"On a date," Mark clarifies. Jacob stares at him. "Um," Mark continues. "The unfair part is that I couldn't really…be with you for a while. You know?"

"Uh-huh," Jake says numbly.

"So, um," says Mark. "Do you think that could ever happen?"

Jake looks at him, and after a few moments, a wry smile spreads across his face. "Yeah," he says. "Yeah, I think that's something I can do."

…

**[To: Casey] Mark asked me out.**

** [From: Casey] I know, I heard. I'm happy for you, kid.**

** [From: Casey] But if you steal any more of my beer, I'm going to have to maim you.**

…

Julian can feel the shock seeping through his pores.

Logan doesn't want him.

Okay.

"Oh," he says. "Okay. I'll just…go, then." He stands and turns toward the door.

"No – Jules, it's not because – look, please sit back down." Julian does so automatically, staring across the table at him. Logan sighs and closes his eyes, rubbing at his forehead as though his head hurts.

"I – " he says, "I was really hurt when I thought you were…well. Cheating on me, I guess. But then I realized it's probably for the better." He lets out a sudden harsh laugh, and Julian startles. "I mean, it certainly didn't_ feel_ that way, which is why I kept yelling at you, but…it's what I believe."

"Okay," says Julian. "May I leave now?"

Logan's mouth presses into a line. "If you want."

Julian doesn't go. "Why don't you want to be with me?"

"I do. But I don't think I should."

"You're not really answering my question."

"I don't think you should get attached to me, because I have a – problem."

"Um," says Julian. "What kind of problem?"

"A complicated one," Logan says.

"Do you not want to tell me?"

Logan rubs at his temple and opens his eyes, looking at Julian warily. "It's called IED."

"Okay. Are you going to tell me what that stands for?"

Logan sighs. "It stands for Intermittent Explosive Disorder."

"Are you going to tell me what that is?"

"It's…a behavioral disorder. I just get really angry sometimes, and I can't make it go away without _doing_ something."

"Like?" Julian prompts.

"Like…yelling at people. Or breaking my dad's framed photo of him meeting the president. Granted, he's a bastard who deserves it."

"Who, the president?"

"No. My dad."

"Do you not want to be with me because you're afraid you'll hurt me?" Julian asks. "Like, physically?"

Logan looks surprised. "No," he says. "I could never hurt you, Jules. Not ever."

"Okay," Julian says, and stops talking.

Logan sighs. "Being physically safe doesn't mean it's fun to be around a raving lunatic."

"You're not a raving lunatic," Julian says automatically.

"You haven't seen me at my worst."

"You won't let me."

"I don't want you to."

Julian is silent.

"Look…Jules. I'm in love with you, okay? I really am. But I don't want to put you through all of my shit. You said it before – I treat you like a kid who can't handle my bullcrap."

"Yeah, because you wouldn't tell me _why_ you were mad. Sure, you were angrier than some people would have been, but you weren't overreacting. You liked me and I was oblivious and you found out I was sleeping with Jake and letting people take body shots off of me. Anyone would have been hurt."

"I'm not talking about justifiable anger," Logan says. "Maybe that incident wasn't so illogical, but I react to some things in ways that I shouldn't. With anger that's disproportionate to the stimulus. Do you really want to deal with that?"

"No," says Julian. "Not really. But it's not like I can just pluck it up and throw it away."

"Exactly," says Logan. "That's what I'm saying."

"I know that's what you're saying. But what I'm saying is – if you only accept someone without any kind of baggage, you're going to spend your life alone."

"Firstly, 'baggage' is hating your father or having trust issues. Baggage is not flipping coffee tables over because someone refuses to give back your sweater. And secondly, you _do_ deserve someone without baggage."

"No one comes without baggage, Logan. And I don't really want someone without it, to be honest."

"Yeah, well, I don't really think you understand exactly what I'm dealing with here."

"No, I don't think I do. Because, again, you won't _let_ me. I can't see who you really are."

"You want to know who I really am? Okay, Julian. You've seen one part of me. The default setting, the self-centered guy who is capable of caring for people and falls in love just as easily as the next person. And then there's the part of me that flips out at the most random moments over the smallest things. And then there's the part that's numb, the part that comes out when I take the medication they give me. That's when I wander around in a daze, eyes clouded, and I don't feel _anything_.

"And I don't _want_ to take the _fucking_ pills," Logan spits out, beyond bitter. "It's like – it's like you're just a system instead of a person. Just blood and guts and a brain that works without feeling anything, when you've got that fucking medicine running through you. And you know what the best part is?"

He takes a pause to look at Julian, but the brunet doesn't think he's actually waiting for an answer, and so stays silent.

"The best part is that it's not for me. None of it. It's like no one is even thinking, 'Hey, maybe we should give this kid medicine that calms him down _without_ turning him into a robot.' Shit, they don't care. They just need to drug me to stop me from exploding, like I'm a time bomb. Like I'm this _thing_ they need to contain."

He takes a pause and stares at the coffee table.

"They give me pills because if I take them I'll cater to people's feelings obediently, and once I do that they just leave me alone, because their jobs are done. It's like depression. 'What's that? You haven't tried to commit suicide in a month? Great, that's it. You're cured.'"

Julian doesn't realize he's scratching at his hand, or that it's bleeding.

"I'm sorry you're going through all this crap, Logan," he says sincerely. "And I wish I could make it go away, but I can't. I can't do anything but try and help, and I still love you, and I still want to be with you, and that's really all I can say. If you still don't want me to stay I'll leave."

Logan buries his face in his hands. "Of course I want you to stay," he whispers.

Julian looks away. "Let me rephrase. What are you going to tell me to do? Are you going to say, after all this, that you still think it's best that we aren't together?"

"That's what I believe, yes," Logan mumbles. "And I wish I could ask you to walk out the door, but you're here, and you're perfect, and I can't."

"Are you…are you going to ask me to be with you, then?"

"No," says Logan.

"Okay," says Julian, and his voice cracks. "Okay. I understand. I'm sorry."

Logan raises his head to watch him. Julian doesn't look at him, doesn't hear the footsteps. What he does do is look up, startled, when Logan takes his hands in his two own, leaning over where he's seated on the couch so as to prevent him from scratching anymore. "Julian," he says softly. "Stop."

Julian just blinks at him, and Logan sits down next to him gently.

"I, um," says Julian, and pulls his hands away. "I should go."

"Please don't," Logan says softly.

"What do you want from me?" Julian asks.

"On a scale of one to ten, how corny would it be if I said 'everything'?"

"Eleven."

"Too bad. It's true."

"But you're not going to ask for it. So I should go."

"I – " Logan stops himself. He has no idea what he should say.

"Oh, shit." Logan startles to see Julian staring down at the edge of the couch in mild horror. "Shit, Logan, I got blood on your couch. Crap. I'm so sorry."

And because Julian looks like he might actually start hyperventilating, Logan puts a hand on the back of his neck and takes one of Julian's hands in his own to tug him closer.

"Julian," he breathes. "It's okay."

Julian just stares at him. They're inches away from each other now.

Logan's thoughts are frantic.

_Don't do it don't do it, back away, don't _do _that to him –_

He does it anyway, and the thoughts disappear the instant he's got Julian's mouth on his own.

Julian responds after a second, fisting Logan's shirt with both hands and leaning in, breathing in deep. He wants to whimper at how Logan makes him feel.

Logan's hands go to his waist and nudge his shirt up a bit, and Julian actually does whimper. "Shit, Logan…" he breathes against his neck.

"Come with me," Logan says almost desperately, and it takes Julian a second to realize that he's tugging him in the direction of his bedroom.

"Yeah," he says, tripping over himself a bit as he keeps his hands on Logan's shirt. "Yeah, yes, I like this idea."

Logan pulls him into his room and shuts the door.

* * *

When he wakes up, everything is blurry. The sheets are sticky and the sun is beating down on him uncomfortably. He has no idea what time it is.

When he forces himself up – God, he's sore – he glances over to see Julian next to him, face buried in his hands. He's just sitting there silently, and then he says, "I shouldn't have done this." He pauses. "I shouldn't have done this."

Logan's heart breaks. "Shouldn't have loved me, Jules?" he asks softly.

"Shouldn't have fucked you."

Logan sits up completely. "It wasn't fucking," he says quietly.

"I know. That's the problem." He lets the silence swarm around them and then drops his hands to his lap limply, staring out into the room. "I should go," he says dully.

"Home?"

"Home is with you, so, no. I just have to leave." He pushes the covers away and swings his legs over the side of the bed, picking up his shirt from the floor. Logan rubs a hand over his eyes, trying to wipe away the sleep and dried sweat.

Julian pauses, about to tug his shirt on when he notices the dried cum on his stomach. "Shit," he says quietly.

Logan works his way across the bed slowly, pressing himself up against Julian's back just to be close to him, kissing his shoulder and letting a few tears fall onto his skin.

Julian lowers his hands, shirt still wrapped around his forearms. He stares at the wall he's facing.

"I don't want to leave," he admits softly.

"Then don't," Logan says, wrapping his hands around the brunet's sides gently and kissing his shoulder. "Don't leave."

Julian blinks as Logan shifts closer, trying to stop the tears that threaten to fall. "I – I can't. I can do the whole friends-with-benefits thing with someone I'm not in love with, but not with you, Logan. I can't do that with you."

"Then don't," Logan says again, resting his head against Julian's neck. "Be with me. Be mine."

"I thought you didn't want that."

"I want you. And if there's a chance I can have you – well, shit, Jules. I'll take it. Breaking up with you would be nothing compared to living my entire life not knowing what you look like when you wake up in the morning, or how grouchy you are before you get your coffee, or how you like to decorate the house at Christmastime. I want to know all those things, Jules."

Julian finally turns to look at him, and Logan takes the opportunity to press a sweet kiss to his lips. "Really?" he whispers.

"Really really," says Logan, and tugs at his hand gently. "Come back to bed with me?"

Julian does. He goes back to bed and lies down and lets himself be held, snuggling into Logan's arms. "I love you," he says, smiling into Logan's skin as he settles down. Logan smiles back, presses a kiss to his hair, and speaks through it.

"I love you too."


End file.
